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EXCERPTS
Full-Length Play
Couple of the Century
A Romantic Comedy in Two Acts by William Fowkes.
To be produced Wednesday, June 25, 2008--for one performance only-- at the Downtown Urban Theater Festival 2008 at the Cherry Lane Theatre, New York.
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DESCRIPTION: A couple finds love, marriage and therapy on Central Park West. (Couple of the Century is an expanded version of The Session.)
EXCERPT:
SCENE 2. 3 months earlier (3 months ago). Nick and Diane’s bedroom. A bed stage right. An armchair stage left. Nick is preparing the room for a special love-making session—lighting candles, lowering the lights, plumping the pillows, etc.
NICK
(Calling off stage) Honey, come to bed! It’s late!
DIANE
(Enters carrying a book) I know it’s late, but I’ve got to finish this book. (Looking around) What’s all this?
NICK
Welcome to Nick Turner’s love chamber! You’ve been chosen from thousands of contestants to spend a night in the arms of that master of love, Nick Turner!
DIANE
Nick, not tonight, please. I told you I’ve got to finish this book.
NICK
You can read your book any night, but a night with Nick Turner is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (As an aside) Especially at the rate we’ve been going lately. (To Diane, touching her, massaging her, perhaps) Come. Let me relax you. You’ll forget all about that big nasty book.
DIANE
(Tempted to give in, but resisting nevertheless) I don’t know. (Beat) It’s very sweet of you. The candles are nice. (Nick starts to kiss her. After a few moments, she finally breaks it off.) It’s just not a good time, Nick. (Moves away and gets into bed. Props herself up and opens her book, suddenly all chipper.) Come here! Why don’t you sit next to me? You can read something, too. (Beat) I won’t be long. (Looks around the bed and night table) You haven’t seen my reading glasses, have you? (He ignores her question. She starts to read, holding the book at arm’s length.)
NICK
(Sits down in the armchair—looks around, bored and frustrated) Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt your reading, but I want to ask you something.
DIANE
Nick...
NICK
You can get back to your book in a minute and read for as long as you like. (Beat) I can even go sleep out in the living room.
DIANE
Honey, don’t say that! I’m not trying to throw you out of bed.
NICK
Are you sure? Because I think maybe that’s what this is all about. (Beat) If I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe you were having an affair with somebody, ’cause you sure don’t seem to have anything left over for me. (Beat) Where’s the sugar? I know you’ve got sugar—you’ve given it to me before. I mean, we have two kids. That didn’t happen by reading books. So maybe you’re giving it to someone else or— I don’t know—maybe you used it up on yourself, but there’s definitely a shortage. So, I wanna know...(Beat) Where’s the sugar?
DIANE
What are you talking about? (Beat) There’s plenty of sugar in the kitchen.
NICK
OK, I can be direct, like one of your patients. (In an irritating voice) “My wife doesn’t like to have sex with me anymore. What am I gonna do, doctor?”
DIANE
That’s not true! We have sex all the time.
NICK
Like when? When was the last time?
DIANE
I don’t know. (Beat) Just recently—New Year’s Day. (Beat) Remember?
NICK
(Sarcastically)Yeah—I remember.
DIANE
Nick, you’re making a big fuss about nothing.
NICK
My point exactly. Nothing. Nada. That’s what I get.
DIANE
Are we going to go all over this again?
NICK
I’d say that’s a good idea, don’t you think? (Beat) You can’t just ignore these things and hope they go away.
DIANE
What things? (Beat) This is all much ado about . . .
NICK
Exactly! (Beat) Look, honey, I know you’ve been very busy lately. The kids. Your practice. Shopping for shoes. Filing your nails. Flossing your teeth. Reading this goddamn book you claim you have to finish or else—I don’t know—or else life won’t be worth living. (Beat) What about me, for god sakes? (Beat) We’re in crisis, baby, whether you want to admit it or not!
DIANE
You keep saying that! We keep having this discussion! (Beat) There’s nothing wrong with us. We’ve got a great marriage!
NICK
But we don’t have sex!
DIANE
We have sex! Don’t make things up!
NICK
(Sarcastically) Hand jobs don’t count. (Beat) I want a physical relationship with my wife. Is that so wrong? I want to touch you, squeeze you—lick you all over. And I want you to do the same to me—the way we used to. (Beat) And, yes, every now and then, preferably more than once a month, I want to lie on top of you—or under you or next to you—and enter you.
DIANE
How poetic!
NICK
(Beat) You weren’t always like this.
DIANE
Like what?
NICK
(Goes to hold her. She stiffens up.) Like this! See—you can’t even stand my touch!
DIANE
No, no! You just caught me off guard, that’s all.
NICK
(Releasing her) OK, I’ll try again. (Beat) I’m giving you plenty of warning this time. (Beat) Are you ready? (She nods.) Sure? (She nods again.) No surprises here. I’m about to touch you. Here I come! (He goes to hold her and she stiffens up again.) Jesus Christ! Your skin recoils! You’re allergic to me!
DIANE
No, no! I’m just distracted. It’s the book. I really have to finish it.
NICK
Why?
DIANE
Why what?
NICK
Why do you have to finish the book? (Beat) Do you have a final exam? I thought you completed your degree years ago. (Beat) Are you having an affair with someone who gives you reading assignments? No oral sex till you finish the first chapter? And forget about fucking until you finish the whole book!
DIANE
Don’t be vulgar!
NICK
Just tell me what’s so special about the goddamn book!
DIANE
OK. (Putting down the book) Nothing. (Beat) There’s nothing special about the book. (Beat) It’s not the book per se.
NICK
Per se?
DIANE
It’s not the book.
NICK
Good. We’re making progress. (Beat) What is it, then?
DIANE
(Beat) I honestly don’t know.
NICK
Yes, that’s honest. Now let’s talk about it.
DIANE
I don’t want to talk about it. (Beat) I can’t.
NICK
You can’t? A therapist who can’t talk about sex. (Beat) Now that’s a problem. We’re not just talking about our marriage being in jeopardy—your very livelihood may be at stake!
DIANE
Is everything a joke with you?
NICK
No, I prefer sex.
DIANE
Well, the joking’s not going to get us back on track.
NICK
(Beat) I can be as humorless as your father, if that’ll help.
DIANE
Don’t drag my father into this!
NICK
No, I don’t imagine he’d be much help. (Beat) Your mother, on the other hand--SHE must have a sense of humor. She laughs at ME all the time. (Beat) You ever wonder about THEIR sex life?
DIANE
Can it!
NICK
I can’t help being curious. Aren’t you?
DIANE
Nick!
NICK
Okay, forget your parents. Let’s talk about us. (Beat) Look, we’ve both admitted we have a problem. That’s a great start. Now let’s work on that.
DIANE
I don’t admit we have a problem. (Beat) This whole thing is making me uncomfortable. (Beat) If you really think there’s a problem, why don’t you go talk to a therapist about it?
NICK
Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?
[End of excerpt]
Some feedback on Couple of the Century:
“…an intriguing play about the dynamics of modern relationships. The structure, moving back through time to the couple’s meeting, is compelling…a funny & accessible play that speaks to the difficulties of connecting with our loved ones.”
- Trinity Repertory Company, Providence
“It is an engaging, amusing, touching tale.”
- White Horse Theater Company, NYC
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