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EXCERPTS
Full-length Play
All in the Faculty
A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes.
Available for performance or publication
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DESCRIPTION: Brilliant professors can be rank amateurs in the field of self-knowledge.
EXCERPT #1:
ACT ONE
PROLOGUE: When the play begins, Ned Jenkins is standing at the center of a bare stage looking out into the audience. Light is reflected on him, as if he stands inside a movie projection.
NED JENKINS
(Pointing up at the rear of the theater) I love this part! Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint are being chased down Mount Rushmore by James Mason and the other bad guys. Now, I’m not exactly sure what they want—or who they are—this part always confuses me—but all that matters is—here! Yes—right here! When she starts to slip, and he grabs her arm and pulls her up and then—suddenly we cut to a train, and he’s pulling her up into his bunk, about to—well, you know the rest, I’m sure.
I’ve seen this movie a dozen times, maybe more. And not on TV! No—on a movie screen, the way it was meant to be seen. You see, I’ve got this idea—well, it’s more than an idea. It’s a thesis. No, more than that. It’s going to be a book. A book that’s going to get me tenure on the faculty of a philosophy department somewhere. Harvard? Probably not—but I’d settle for a good liberal arts college anywhere in the country. Well, almost anywhere.
Anyway, the idea—the BIG idea—is that watching a movie the second or third time around is a more profound experience than seeing it the first time. Now you can sit back and really watch—really see it. And if you’re truly perceptive, the 20th or 30th viewing should be even more fulfilling, right? You don’t have to agree with me. I know it’s controversial—but all great ideas are controversial!
Sometimes I can’t help thinking about my life in the same way. If I could just sit back and watch it over and over again, maybe it would finally make sense. I don’t mean things would happen any differently—I’m not like that woman from Atlanta who kept watching Gone With the Wind over and over hoping the South would eventually win the Civil War. No, my life is what it is. But what is it?!
First, the basics. Name: Edward Jenkins—but please call me Ned. Birthplace: New Haven, Connecticut. The only child of Norbert and Ruth Jenkins. You may have heard of Norbert—the distinguished professor of Comparative Literature at Yale—if you’re a member of the Academy, that is. I have a few credentials of my own—graduated magna cum laude from Wesleyan, got a PhD in philosophy from Wisconsin. Taught at several colleges all over the Midwest. Then—well, I’m getting ahead of myself.
This story isn’t just about me. It’s also about Humbert College in Olmstead, New York. You’ve heard of it, right? No, I didn’t think so. It’s got a good lacrosse team. A beautiful campus overlooking Seneca Lake in the heart of the Finger Lakes. And a faculty that’s—well, let’s just say they’re colorful. (Professor Alfred Giulliano, Professor Mary Margaret Dougherty, Professor Randall “Street” Streeter, Professor Charles “Jock” Richardson, Professor William “The Duke” Duke, Professor Ralph Bukowski, and Sarah Giulliano step out on stage. They pose or mug in turn, as indicated.) Some of them are quite distinguished in their field (Mary poses). Some are a little pompous. (Jock poses.) Some are larger than life. (Alfred poses.) Some are small-minded. (Ralph mugs.) Some drink a little too much (the Duke)—or a lot (Street)! But the main thing is—they were like family to me. And they went out of their way to make me feel at home.
ALFRED GIULLIANO
Welcome to Humbert College, Ned!
MARY MARGARET DOUGHERTY
Humbert needs more fine young scholars like you.
RANDALL “STREET” STREETER
(Drunkenly) You’ve got everything, young man!
JOCK RICHARDSON
(Joking) Welcome to the snake pit!
RALPH BUKOWSKI
I’m always happy to meet another clear-eyed thinker. You are a clear-eyed thinker, aren’t you?
WILLIAM “THE DUKE” DUKE
Can I get you another drink?
SARAH CARTER GIULLIANO
(Seductively) I’d like to get to know you much better.
NED
OK, ready? Roll film! Oh, wait—the scene is the Dunbar Room at Faculty House. It’s the new faculty reception. I’ve just arrived at Humbert, and—well, you’ll see...
[END OF EXCERPT #1]
EXCERPT #2
SCENE 4: That evening. William Duke’s apartment. The Duke is welcoming his first guest.
. . .
NED
(To audience) Knowing when to leave is an art I haven’t quite mastered yet. I should have left with Alfred and the others. Then again, the Duke was doing me a big favor throwing this little party. Of course, the Duke was so plastered, he might not have even noticed if I sneaked out.
DUKE
(Returning to find Ned examining the sculpture) Oh, that’s just something Chad and I picked up in New, um, oh, what’s it called? Like Italians—not a nice word. Sorry—New Guinea! That’s it! Cost us nothing. Just a few pennies. I mean pounds. Or something. Is that right? I’ve got boxes of this stuff somewhere! Boxes up the—something.
NED
Who’s Chad?
DUKE
Chad Palmieri. (Sits) You haven’t heard about him? I mean us? I thought they filled all the new people in on these things. He was the lacrosse coach. We were quite the odd couple—the coach and the English professor. I miss him terribly. But that’s another story—some other time.
NED
(Looking back at the sculpture) Well, it’s quite something!
DUKE
And the dinner parties we threw!
NED
You threw a great one tonight.
DUKE
Oh, tonight was nothing! Chad and I—we knew how to do it!
NED
I wish I’d known him.
DUKE
Come—sit down!
NED
Well—maybe just for a minute. (Sits)
DUKE
That’s better. (After a pause) Do you like being alone?
NED
I don’t mind it.
DUKE
You have to like being alone to be a successful academic.
NED
That’s true—research is a lonely undertaking.
DUKE
(Reflecting) The loneliness of the long-distance scholar.
NED
(Uncomfortably) It comes with the territory, I guess.
DUKE
I can’t bear it. (Pause) I can’t.
NED
(Letting out a poorly executed yawn) Well, I guess I should be calling it a night. Thanks for…
DUKE
Nonsense!! Night’s young! You’re young! Youth! Vitality! That’s what we’re here to celebrate! Ha! Ha! (Pause) Night cap! Let’s just have a night cap.
NED
(Defeated) Sure. Why not? (The Duke exits, and Ned stands up.)
DUKE
(Returning with another drink for Ned) Down! Sit! Take a load off. Or something. Ha ha ha! (They both sit.) So, Mr. Jenkins. It’s just the two of us now. Let’s drop the masks—be ourselves. Nice people, but they can be awfully tiresome sometimes.
NED
Yes, they are nice. Everyone at Humbert is nice. It’s a nice place.
DUKE
Nice, nice, nice! Do you realize what an insipid word that is? You can calculate a man's intelligence by the frequency with which he—I mean how often he—I mean whether he says “nice” too much—too often…
NED
Come again?
DUKE
So, tell me, Ned, are you going to get married?
NED
I’m just dating Marlene. That might even be overstating the case.
DUKE
Who’s Marlene?
NED
Professor Bernstein. Oh, I thought you meant… Never mind. I’m not engaged or anything, if that’s what you mean.
DUKE
I mean are you planning to get married some day? Are you the marrying kind? To a woman, I mean. You see, I’m the kind of man who can’t marry a woman. A man perhaps, but not a woman. What kind of man are you?
NED
Oh, I see. Well, I guess I’d have to say I’m the kind of man who’ll probably marry a woman someday.
DUKE
(Disappointed) Oh.
NED
(Adding quickly) But I certainly have no definite plans at the moment. And who knows, maybe I’ll never get married at all.
DUKE
(Staring into space) Oh? (Closes his eyes. After a few moments, Ned attempts to get up and sneak out.) Thanks for stopping by, Ned. You don’t mind finding your own way out, do you?
BLACKOUT
[END OF EXCERPT #2]
EXCERPT #3
SCENE 6: Two years later. A seminar room. The monthly Philosophy Department faculty meeting.
ALFRED
One last thing—have you all turned in your grades?
JOCK
Of course we have.
NED
Actually, I’m running late.
JOCK
I guess I spoke too soon.
NED
I think I can turn them in tomorrow.
ALFRED
That will be fine.
NED
I’m so sorry.
ALFRED
No need to apologize. We all know what it’s like to be busy.
JOCK
Yet Mr. Jenkins seems to be the busiest of us all. I think he deserves a special medal for service above and beyond the call of duty.
CECIL
(Joking) If the college gave out medals for doing one’s duty, I’m sure all our chests would be weighed down with metal. Or are you suggesting that yours might not be?
JOCK
I can assure you my chest would be just as weighed down as everyone else’s.
CECIL
(Laughing) I rather fancy the image of the entire department standing together at Commencement barely able to hold ourselves erect under the weight of our collective medals.
JOCK
I have no difficulty keeping myself erect!
ALFRED
Gentlemen! Let’s keep it clean.
JOCK
Fine, but let’s return to my point. I’m not sure you all appreciate the special talents of Mr. Jenkins.
ALFRED
(Snapping) What are you talking about?
JOCK
I’m talking about your wife. Apparently Sarah is auditing Ned’s course.
ALFRED
Sarah likes to take advantage of the college’s resources.
CECIL
She sat in on one of my courses last year.
ALFRED
I should think you’d be flattered by her interest.
CECIL
As indeed we are.
JOCK
Sadly, not all of us have been so flattered.
ALFRED
I’m sure it’s no reflection on you. Now can we move on or did you have a point to make, Mr. Richardson?
JOCK
My only point is that Sarah was carrying on the other night—at the dinner party you so graciously invited me to—about what a brilliant teacher Ned is. Something about how her whole sense of being an artist has evolved under his tutelage. I was struck by the passion of her praise—that’s all I meant, Cecil. There’s no harm in singling people out for significant accomplishments. And arousing the passionate admiration of your chairman’s wife certainly qualifies as a significant accomplishment, don’t you think?
ALFRED
Thank you gentlemen! I’ll see you next month. (Jock and Cecil rise and exit.)
NED
Look, if Sarah’s presence in my class is an issue, I wouldn’t be insulted if she dropped out.
ALFRED
Don’t be silly! Sarah loves the course. Just as I’m sure you love having her around. I can’t imagine anyone objecting to having something nice to look at while they lecture. Jock’s just trying to stir things up. He can’t help himself. The whole incident was ridiculous! Hey, are you free right now?
NED
I think so.
ALFRED
Then let me buy you a drink.
END OF SCENE
SCENE 7: A few minutes later. The Crow Bar.
NED
(To the audience) Alfred took me to the Crow Bar, an aptly named dive on the edge of campus where locals and students came to get things off their chest. I took the opportunity to try and shore up my relationship with the man who held my fate in his hands—though I’ve got to say I found some of the swerves in his conversation puzzling. Alcohol will do that, I guess.
ALFRED
(Downing several drinks throughout the scene) You ever come here?
NED
Not really my scene. Too crowded—and too many students.
ALFRED
The trick is to come in the afternoon.
NED
How can they serve students, anyway? Aren’t most of them under age?
ALFRED
People do lots of things they’re not supposed to do in Olmstead. Look—about that dinner party Jock mentioned, I want to apologize for not including you.
NED
Oh, that’s… You’ve certainly been more than generous with your invitations.
ALFRED
I couldn’t put off inviting Jock any longer. I was really doing you a favor, but I’ll make sure you’re included next time. My advice about Jock is—just ignore him. (Squeezing Ned’s shoulder and lowering his voice) With any luck, we won’t have to deal with him after this year.
NED
Why is that?
ALFRED
You didn’t hear that from me.
NED
Are you referring to his tenure case?
ALFRED
What about you? How are you getting on here? Your third year—that’s usually enough time to know if you’d be happy settling down permanently.
NED
I could be very happy here, yes. Everyone’s nice—I mean helpful and interesting. I’ve got good students. I love the curriculum—Humbert really is a special place.
ALFRED
But how about your social life? That’s usually the stumbling block for single people.
NED
I’ve managed to keep busy.
ALFRED
A young, good-looking guy like you? I’m sure you have! Almost makes me jealous.
NED
I’ve been seeing someone for a while, as a matter of fact.
ALFRED
A student?
NED
No—(proudly) Professor Bernstein.
ALFRED
Marlene! Ah, yes—she’s a pretty hot number, isn’t she?! (Laughs)
NED
(Playing along) Yes, she is!
ALFRED
That hair! And those long legs! Wasn’t she with Jock?
NED
Used to be.
ALFRED
You little devil! Snatched her right away, I bet. Well, don’t tie yourself down too soon. A guy like you should enjoy everything while you still can.
NED
Oh, I’ve already had my share—this is my 4th teaching job.
ALFRED
Leaving a trail of broken hearts all across the country, I bet.
NED
Well…I don’t know.
ALFRED
When you get tired of Miss Marlene, just remember—you’ve got plenty of other options here. I’m sure you’ve figured out that no one’s off limits.
NED
What do you mean?
ALFRED
It has to work like that—otherwise we’d all go crazy. And don’t limit yourself to the faculty. There’s the administration—and then, of course, the students. New ones every year. God’s gift to liberal arts professors tucked away in the woods.
NED
I try to avoid that temptation.
ALFRED
I’m not suggesting anything improper, mind you. (Pause) Well maybe I am! (Laughs) I just mean, in a pinch, you never know what you might find yourself doing. I got a little out of control myself after Janet died.
NED
I’ve heard about your first wife. It must have been awful.
ALFRED
Yes, the love of my life. Ah, well! As a philosopher, you can appreciate this—losing your wife’s bad enough, but I became obsessed trying to make sense of it all—trying to understand the causation at work, trying to assign blame. Like the telephone pole. I thought, maybe that was it; maybe all these damned poles should be ripped out. Or the ice! The goddamn ice! If I’d gotten a job in a warmer climate, there wouldn’t have been any ice to skid on. And I couldn’t blame the car—hell, it was Japanese! Sturdy. Reliable. That left the driver, but Janet didn’t do it on purpose. She had every reason to want to live. She was on her way to class down in Ithaca. Working toward her MBA. And then I thought—what the hell do you do with an MBA in Olmstead? You don’t do anything! You go to New York or Boston or some place you can put it to use. And I thought—so maybe she was trying to get away from me after all. Maybe I killed her. And that thought crushes me.
NED
From everything I’ve heard, she was devoted to you.
ALFRED
Yes, I know. But at the time, I was like a mad man. You won’t have to dig very far to hear the stories about me—maybe you’ve already heard them. Crazy stories! Slept around like some sort of… I don’t know. With students. A couple of wives, even. I liked blonds. Short ones with big breasts. I still think about them sometimes. (Pause) But then Sarah came along, my angel of mercy—we met in Greece. By a drinking fountain in Delphi. She was washing her feet in it—can you imagine? And my life started all over again.
NED
So—happy ending!
ALFRED
And I intend to keep it that way. That’s my job—do whatever it takes to keep her happy here. A beautiful creature like that? You have to let her fly a little bit, don’t you think? (Pause) Do you think she’s beautiful?
NED
Uh, yes—she is.
ALFRED
And desirable?
NED
I suppose.
ALFRED
No suppose! I see it—the way men look at her! The way she looks back! That’s the price you pay. And I know she’s loved getting to know you. That’s what I meant about this Jock dinner. He’s not one of us. It was just an obligation.
NED
I understand—forget it.
ALFRED
But I don’t want to forget it!! I want you to realize how important you are to us!
NED
Thank you. I appreciate it.
ALFRED
Hey—it sounds like you’re pretty experienced in the bedroom department.
NED
I’ve been around.
ALFRED
Way to go! Boy, if I were still young and free, I bet we could go chase a few things together. Hey—are you open to new adventures? New experiences? Not just dull bourgeois life!
NED
I like to think I am.
ALFRED
You’d be surprised by some of the things that go on up here. Don’t let this pretty little campus setting fool you. All right—here’s a hypothetical scenario for you! As a philosopher, you’ll appreciate this. Suppose you were attracted to a beautiful woman but she was already attached to someone else—married, say. To your boss, even! Now suppose you had an opportunity to have a secret affair with her—to give into your wildest fantasies with no fear of repercussion, no strings attached.
NED
What do you mean?
ALFRED
I mean suppose she had her husband’s permission. Maybe he even approached you and invited you to pursue her. Would you do it?
NED
(Humoring him) Sounds interesting.
ALFRED
But would you do it?
NED
This is just hypothetical, right?
ALFRED
If you like.
NED
(Not getting Alfred’s intention) Well, all right, if I really wanted her, and nothing else was happening in my life—OK, sure. Why not?
ALFRED
Good for you! We’ll see what happens! Now, it’s time to go home to the missus.
NED
Would you like me to help you home?
ALFRED
Oh, this is nothing! I’ve navigated my way around here with a lot more drinks than this under my belt. You’re a good man, Ned Jenkins! We’ll definitely do this again—just don’t mention it to Jock.
BLACKOUT
[END OF EXCERPTS]
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