EXCERPTS - PLAYS

Private Property

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 22:56:40 -0400

Private Property
A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes

It’s nobody’s business.

EXCERPT

ACT ONE

Scene 1: 2005. A midsummer afternoon in the living room of a rustic, but well appointed house in the woods near Milford, PA.

Samuel is sitting on a wooden chair reading a book. Birdy enters with a cup of tea and heads toward an armchair.

BIRDY
Heads up! … Hot stuff coming through!

Samuel ignores her as she starts to lower herself into her chair, but falters and almost spills her tea.

BIRDY
Oh, stupid klutz!

She finally settles in without spilling her tea.

BIRDY
Bingo, Birdy! … Mission accomplished!

She sips her tea.

BIRDY
Mm—delicious! … SUPER-delicious! … (to Samuel) It’s from that new organic grocery store in Milford—the black raspberry. … Have you tried it yet?

Samuel doesn’t respond.

BIRDY
Have you?

He still doesn’t respond.

BIRDY
(joking) Hello in there! … (snapping) Oh, don’t pull that crap on me, Samuel! I know you can hear me!

SAMUEL
(continuing to read—nonchalantly) What, Birdy?

BIRDY
I said, “Have you tried it yet?”

SAMUEL
Have I tried WHAT yet?

BIRDY
The black raspberry.

SAMUEL
The what?

BIRDY
The tea! … What do you think I’m doing over here?

SAMUEL
(still reading) I have no idea.

BIRDY
I’m drinking tea—black raspberry tea from that new organic store in town.

SAMUEL
Sh! … You know I’m trying to read my book.

BIRDY
No, you’re trying my nerves—is what you’re trying. … Actually, I hardly ever know WHAT you’re up to these days—even when you’re sitting right next to me. … Sometimes you act like I’m the enemy.

SAMUEL
Sh!

Birdy studies Samuel for a few moments.

BIRDY
(after a pause) Don’t try pulling that old Silent Treatment on me! I won’t have it!

Samuel continues to read and ignore Birdy.

BIRDY
(after a moment) God, you can be so infuriating! … It’s not helping my mental state, you know! …

SAMUEL
(still reading) Shall I arrange for you to see someone?

BIRDY
Oh, you’d LIKE me to be certified, wouldn’t you? … So you could be left alone to read your goddamned book.

SAMUEL
If that’s what it takes…

BIRDY
Well, I’m not crazy!

He finally looks up from his reading and gives her a sideward glance.

SAMUEL
Shall we get a second opinion, then?

BIRDY
I’m not! … It’s just these woods. These goddamned woods!

SAMUEL
(resuming his reading) You’re free to go if you’re not happy here.

BIRDY
I didn’t say I wasn’t happy. I just said you’re driving me insane!

SAMUEL
Make up your mind—are you crazy or aren’t you?

BIRDY
(frustrated) Why do I put up with this?

SAMUEL
I’ve often wondered that myself.

BIRDY
(snapping) Oh, you go…go…!

SAMUEL
Careful!

BIRDY
(in one breath) Go read your book!

SAMUEL
That’s what I’ve been doing! … In fact, I haven’t missed a single sentence since we embarked on this fascinating conversation…

Birdy takes another sip of her tea, sees something out the window and then bolts up out of her chair, grabs a BB rifle from the mudroom, flings the back door open and fires the rifle out into the woods.

BIRDY
Shit!

She closes the door, puts the rifle away and returns to her armchair.

SAMUEL
(calmly) Are you shooting at the new neighbors?

BIRDY
If they keep messing with me, I’ll shoot at them all right, believe you me! … But no, it’s their dog—a miserable-looking mutt of a thing. … If they fed him, he wouldn’t have to go foraging around our garbage. He’s trampling the whole garden!

SAMUEL
We feed YOU and that doesn’t prevent you from foraging around the garbage.

BIRDY
(ignoring his comment) And he’s probably scaring Mr. Wiggles in the process. … Poor Mr. Wiggles. … You haven’t seen him lately, have you?

SAMUEL
I stopped caring about the comings and goings of your pussy a long time ago.

BIRDY
(ignoring his comment—after a moment) They’re from Croatia, you know.

SAMUEL
No, they’re not. Domestic cats are descended from the Near East.

BIRDY
I mean the neighbors!

SAMUEL
In that case—no, I don’t know. I don’t make it a practice to investigate the nationality of all our neighbors.

BIRDY
Well, they are! … Stanislav is very handsome. Dreamy, really. … I’m not sure about his wife, though. Even that name—(dramatically) Ivona. [pronounced ee-VOH-na]… Sounds like a vampire.

SAMUEL
I think you’re confusing Croatia with Romania.

BIRDY
(ignoring his comment) I’m not prejudiced or anything, but when you’ve lived through what those people have lived through, it can make you a little strange. We better keep a good eye on them.

SAMUEL
I’m sure I can rely on you to do just that.

BIRDY
(brightening at an idea) Or better yet, maybe we should reach out to them. Bring them a fruit basket or something.

SAMUEL
Leave them alone—I don’t want to make friends. That’s why I live in the woods.

Samuel goes back to reading his book. She pauses, reflects, and suddenly looks sad.

BIRDY
You’re right. We don’t want people nosing around. (earnestly) But don’t you ever get lonely out here?

SAMUEL
(after a pause – without looking up) I’m sorry. Did you say something?

BIRDY
(to herself) 30 years of this, and I still don’t learn. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Gregory arrives and enters through the back door. He walks with a limp and a walking stick.

BIRDY
Oh, thank God—a human being has arrived!

GREGORY
(calling out to Samuel) Sweetheart, I’m home!

Gregory puts down his walking stick, walks over to Samuel, and pecks him on the head.

GREGORY
(suddenly noticing Birdy) Oh, hi, Birdy! I didn’t see you there.

BIRDY
Does EVERYONE think I’m invisible?

GREGORY
Is that tea? Would you mind making me a cup? I don’t mean to impose.

Birdy gets up.

BIRDY
Since you asked nicely, I’ll be happy to. … (concerned) How’s your leg today?

GREGORY
Not bad at all—thank you for asking. …

BIRDY
Oh, and I’m about to do some laundry—do you have anything?

GREGORY
(said kindly) You don’t have to do my laundry.

BIRDY
I know I don’t—but I want to.

GREGORY
Well, I AM running a little low on underwear.

BIRDY
Then hand them over! We don’t want you running around the woods with your privates falling out.

GREGORY
I’ll get them for you later.

BIRDY
No problemo, but if you’re about to try to hold a conversation with Mr. Grumpy there, be warned—he’s not in a talking mood…as usual.

She exits to the kitchen. Gregory turns to Samuel.

GREGORY
(urgently) So?

SAMUEL
So…what?

GREGORY
What’s the word?

SAMUEL
What word?

GREGORY
(impatiently) About the house.

SAMUEL
What house?

GREGORY
(frustrated) Sweetheart, you know I’m not good at games.

SAMUEL
What games?

GREGORY
(getting off track) … Well, Scrabble, for instance. … You always win at that one. … Or Clue! (suddenly realizing) Oh, that’s not what you meant, is it? (getting upset) You’re throwing me off track here!

SAMUEL
Calm down, Gregory. … Take a few breaths.

Gregory takes a few breaths.

SAMUEL
That’s it. Good.

GREGORY
Thank you. … OK, let’s begin again.

SAMUEL
Begin what?

GREGORY
(getting upset) There you go again!

Gregory takes a few more breaths.

GREGORY
(more calmly) Tell me about the house on the back lot. The one you said you’d get for…you know…for my project.

SAMUEL
Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place? Things are looking very promising. But we have to act fast! Someone else has already made an offer.

GREGORY
Who?

SAMUEL
Those new people at the end of the drive.

GREGORY
The Croatians?

SAMUEL
Why is everyone so obsessed with their nationality?

GREGORY
Are you talking about Stanislav and Ivona?

SAMUEL
Who do you think I’m talking about?

GREGORY
Aren’t they from Croatia?

SAMUEL
I don’t care where they’re from! All I know is they’re trying to buy that house.

GREGORY
But they just got here!

SAMUEL
And they’re trying to buy up even more property around here.

GREGORY
Well, we can’t let them! We have to get it!

SAMUEL
I’ll do my best.

GREGORY
We need that land!

SAMUEL
Don’t you mean that house?

GREGORY
Yes, of course, I mean that house. I need that for my project.

SAMUEL
Yes, I know… Your latest project.

GREGORY
You don’t mind, do you? This one isn’t going to break the bank or anything, is it?

SAMUEL
No—at least it’s not going to do THAT. It’s a very small house—well within our means—and it will add ten acres to our holdings.

GREGORY
So, you’re not unhappy with me?

SAMUEL
It’s a very good deal—so no, I’m not unhappy with you. … Well, at least as far as the financials are concerned.

GREGORY
Thank you, sweetheart.

Birdy comes back out and hands Gregory a cup of tea.

BIRDY
(sweetly) Here you go. … I added some lemon, just the way you like it.

GREGORY
Thank you, Birdy.

BIRDY
Oh—and I took the liberty of gathering up your laundry, so you’ll have your tighty whiteys back in a jiffy!

GREGORY
You’re too good to me.

SAMUEL
(snidely) I wish I could say the same.

Birdy sticks out her tongue at Samuel and then exits.

SAMUEL
You better sit down before you spill that!

GREGORY
Good idea.

Gregory sits down and then tastes the tea.

GREGORY
Delicious! … What is this?

SAMUEL
Some crap Birdy found in town.

BIRDY
(from offstage or sticking her head in for a moment) I heard that!

END OF EXCERPT

A Field Guide to Table Manners

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 21:45:15 -0400

A Field Guide to Table Manners
A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes

What’s happening at the next table.

EXCERPT

ACT ONE
SCENE 1: Chicago

CHARACTERS:
MAN: Age 60s. Charming. A “ladies’ man.”
WOMAN: Age 40s. Sexy, flirtatious and mercurial.

Scene: A man and a woman are seated at a table in a restaurant having drinks. The woman is drinking a Singapore Sling in a tall glass with an umbrella. The man is drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks.

MAN
(laughing) I didn’t think anyone drank Singapore Slings anymore.

WOMAN
It was my parents’ favorite drink. A classic, they always said. And it makes me feel like I’m on vacation.

MAN
And where ARE you on vacation?

WOMAN
I’m not really on vacation. I have work tomorrow.

MAN
I know. I mean in your fantasy. Where are you?

WOMAN
Oh, I don’t know. … Hawaii maybe.

MAN
Which island?

WOMAN
Maui. … Or… No, wait—Greece!

MAN
I don’t think that’s in Hawaii.

WOMAN
(laughing) No, I changed my mind. … The Greek Isles. I’m on Santorini in a hotel carved right into the rocks. Sitting on the front terrace watching the ships come in below.

MAN
They drink Singapore Slings in Santorini?

WOMAN
No—Ouzo. I’m drinking ouzo and watching the ships down in the caldera.

MAN
So how does a Singapore Sling make you think of Greece?

WOMAN
Oh—maybe it doesn’t.

MAN
You’re funny.

WOMAN
Really? … My friends don’t think so. They think I don’t have a sense of humor.

MAN
No, I meant…

WOMAN
Oh, you didn’t mean…?

MAN
I just mean you have a very…a very cute personality. Can I use that word? Cute?

WOMAN
There’s no law.

MAN
No, I don’t suppose there would be. … Wouldn’t that be something if there were?

WOMAN
I don’t follow.

MAN
If there were a law against using certain words.

WOMAN
I think there IS a law like that. You can’t say “fuck” on TV.

MAN
(impressed) See how easily you say that?

WOMAN
What?

MAN
The f-word.

WOMAN
Fuck?

MAN
See?

WOMAN
I can say it HERE—we’re not on TV. … At least I don’t think we are.

MAN
See—I think your friends are wrong. You have a very good sense of humor.

WOMAN
Maybe it’s just the Singapore Sling talking.

MAN
Cute! … The word certainly fits.

WOMAN
(goofy) I think you’re cute, too.

MAN
Well, but not in the same way, certainly—uh, what DO you mean by that?

WOMAN
Good-looking. Cute. … I mean for your age.

MAN
Ouch!

WOMAN
I don’t mean you’re an old man or anything. You seem quite vigorous.

MAN
Thank you—I think. … Can I say something?

WOMAN
Since we’re not on TV, you can say anything you like.

MAN
I like you.

WOMAN
Well, I figured you did when you came up to me at the bar.

MAN
You don’t mind my saying that, do you?

WOMAN
Not at all. I like you, too.

He raises his glass.

MAN
Cheers!

She raises her glass.

WOMAN
Cheers! … Hey, I forgot to ask. What do you do for a living?

MAN
Does it matter?

WOMAN
Or, wait—let me guess.

MAN
I hate that game.

WOMAN
Doctor?

MAN
No.

WOMAN
Lawyer?

MAN
No—and not an Indian Chief either.

She laughs.

WOMAN
Stripper?

She laughs again.

MAN
Only on Saturdays.

WOMAN
(seriously) Really—what do you do?

MAN
Ever hear of Hudson Vacuum Cleaners?

WOMAN
Sure—my mother had a Hudson.

MAN
But YOU don’t?

WOMAN
I don’t vacuum.

MAN
See—that’s why our business is suffering.

WOMAN
Your business?

MAN
My grandfather started the company. Now I run it.

WOMAN
Wow—I’m having drinks with the Hudson Vacuum Cleaner Company!

MAN
I’m sorry it’s not something sexier.

WOMAN
Oh, I think vacuum cleaners can be very sexy.

MAN
You do?

WOMAN
Sure—all that sucking!

She laughs.

MAN
You can be naughty, can’t you?

WOMAN
Maybe sometimes.

MAN
And what do YOU do?

WOMAN
(deadpanning) I’m a stripper—every day EXCEPT Saturdays.

MAN
Oh.

WOMAN
(laughing) Kidding!

MAN
Your friends really don’t know you at all, do they?

WOMAN
(suddenly serious) Before this goes any further—I’m a paralegal at a law firm.

MAN
Interesting.

WOMAN
Not really.

MAN
What firm do you work for?

WOMAN
It doesn’t matter—it’s one of the biggest in Chicago. Can we change the topic? I don’t like talking about my job.

MAN
Sure. What would you like to talk about?

WOMAN
What do you like to do for fun?

MAN
What do you mean?

WOMAN
I mean, if we kept drinking all evening, what would you like to do next?

MAN
I can think of a lot of things.

WOMAN
Pick one.

MAN
All right. … I’d want to go home with you.

WOMAN
I like that.

MAN
Good, we’re on the same page.

WOMAN
No, I mean, I like a man that knows what he wants and puts it right out there.

MAN
All right, then I’ll put it right out there. I’d like to go home with you. … (suddenly self-conscious) Uh…we don’t really have to do that. This is just hypothetical, right?

WOMAN
You ARE cute. You’re the cutest vacuum cleaner president I’ve ever met.

MAN
And you’re the most adorable paralegal I’ve ever met.

WOMAN
Let me ask you something, Mr. Hudson Vacuum Cleaner. I won’t be surprised. And I’m not saying I’m expecting anything—but are you married?

MAN
Guilty as charged.

WOMAN
I figured you had to be—you’re a type.

MAN
(insulted) What type?

WOMAN
A little old fashioned. … You like to run things—you run your company, right? So you want a wife to run the household.

MAN
My wife had a successful career as a model for a while.

WOMAN
And I bet you didn’t like that.

MAN
I didn’t mind. But once we had kids…

WOMAN
Right—once there was a household to run, you wanted her home running it.

MAN
I suppose so.

WOMAN
You’re a dying breed—a very attractive but dying breed.

MAN
I think it’s my turn to ask us to change topics.

WOMAN
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… See, when you said you wanted to come over to MY place…

MAN
I was just being hypothetical…

WOMAN
Right, right—but your hypothetical scenario didn’t include my coming over to YOUR place—right?

MAN
Well, no, that’s not really an option.

WOMAN
See—that’s how I knew. So now we can change topics again. … You choose.

MAN
You see, we’ve been married for thirty-five years. She’s a wonderful woman.

WOMAN
I’m sure she is.

MAN
Not just beautiful. Sharp as a tack, too.

WOMAN
I’d like to meet her some time.

MAN
Well, I…uh…

WOMAN
Kidding!

MAN
Oh. … You’d probably like her, though. Everyone does.

WOMAN
I’m not judging.

MAN
Judging what?

WOMAN
Judging the fact that you have this wonderful wife waiting for you at home, but you like to pick up women and go back to THEIR place.

MAN
Oh. … Right. … Well, I’m glad you’re not judging.

WOMAN
I see that a lot—husbands with wonderful wives who still need to cheat on them.

MAN
Hey, are you trying to break the mood?

WOMAN
No, I’m just trying to be upfront. I don’t like to play games.

MAN
Except for that doctor/lawyer game.

WOMAN
Oh—right. … I’m just trying to let you know I’m a modern woman. You don’t have to feel guilty or anything. I don’t care how perfect the marriage, eventually men get bored. They need other women.

MAN
It’s not like that.

WOMAN
It’s the law of the jungle. I know what you want, and I’m perfectly happy to go along.

MAN
No, you don’t understand.

WOMAN
No, I DO understand—that’s what I’m trying to tell you.

MAN
Look, I don’t cheat on my wife because—I mean I don’t go with other women because I’m bored with my wife.

WOMAN
Then why? Not that it matters.

MAN
Because we don’t have sex anymore.

WOMAN
Well, women can get bored, too.

MAN
No, no—please. It’s not like that. I better explain.

WOMAN
Men and their explanations. As if it matters.

MAN
My wife can’t have sex.

WOMAN
Wives and their excuses!

MAN
(after a pause) She’s in a wheel chair—she’s wheelchair-bound.

WOMAN
Oh, I’m sorry.

MAN
Has been for years.

WOMAN
What’s wrong with her?

MAN
She has MS. Multiple Sclerosis.

WOMAN
Poor thing.

MAN
So we don’t have sex.

WOMAN
Now I get it.

MAN
It’s been hard.

WOMAN
For her especially.

MAN
Right, right. But for me, too. So what can I do? Sometimes I need female companionship.

WOMAN
You mean sex.

MAN
Right.

WOMAN
(with growing disapproval) And she’s home right now?

MAN
Right.

WOMAN
And you’re here?

END OF EXCERPT

All in the Faculty

Sun, 3 Oct 2010 20:47:54 -0400

All in the Faculty
A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes

Brilliant professors can be rank amateurs in the field of self-knowledge.

EXCERPT

ACT ONE

PROLOGUE: When the play begins, Ned Jenkins stands at center stage looking out into the audience as if watching a movie being projected in the distance.

NED JENKINS
(pointing up and out into the audience)
I always love this part! … Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint are being chased down Mount Rushmore by James Mason and the other bad guys.
(excitedly while pantomiming the movement)
Then she starts to slip, so he reaches down to grab her arm and tries to hold onto the rocks above him with his other arm, but then one of the bad guys steps on his hand and it looks like he’ll never be able to hold on. But then there’s a shot and the bad guy falls and then—here—right here! He starts to pull her up and suddenly we cut to a train, and now he’s pulling her up into his bunk, about to—
(more calmly, almost demurely)
Well, you know the rest, I’m sure. … I’ve seen this movie a dozen times, maybe more. You see, I’ve got this idea—well, it’s more than an idea. It’s going to be a book—a book that’s going to get me tenure on the faculty of a philosophy department at a college or university. … I mean, it HAS to… Because…well, because my life’s ambition is to be a professor. And that means I have to get tenure—SOMEWHERE!
(slightly embarrassed to have exposed himself)
Anyway, the idea—my THESIS—is that watching a movie the second or third time around is necessarily a more profound experience—an aesthetically richer experience—than seeing it the first time. And I can prove this using the tools of phenomenology, structuralism, and semiotics.
(speaking more confidentially)
The thing is—sometimes I can’t help thinking about my own life in the same way. If I could just sit back and watch it over and over again, maybe it would finally make sense. I don’t mean things would happen any differently—I’m not like that woman from Atlanta who kept watching Gone With the Wind over and over hoping the South would eventually win the Civil War. … No, my life is what it is. But what is it?!

First, the basics. Name: Edward Jenkins—but please call me Ned. Birthplace: New Haven, Connecticut. The only child of Norbert and Ruth Jenkins. You may have heard of Norbert—the distinguished professor of Comparative Literature at Yale—if you’re a member of the academy, that is. I have a few credentials of my own—graduated magna cum laude from Wesleyan, a PhD in philosophy from Wisconsin. Taught at several colleges all over the Midwest. Then—well, I’m getting ahead of myself.

This story isn’t just about me, anyway. It’s also about Humbert College in Olmstead, New York. You’ve heard of it, right? … No, I didn’t think so. It’s got a good lacrosse team. A beautiful campus overlooking Seneca Lake in the heart of the Finger Lakes. And a faculty that’s—well, let’s just say they’re colorful.

Professor Mary Margaret Dougherty, Professor Charles “Jock” Richardson, Professor Alfred Giulliano, Professor Ralph Bukowski, Professor William “The Duke” Duke, Professor Randall “Street” Streeter, and Sarah Giulliano step out on stage.

Some of them are quite distinguished in their field.

Mary nods demurely.

Some are a little pompous.

Jock poses.

Some are larger than life.

Alfred poses.

Some are small-minded.

Ralph mugs.

Some drink a little too much—

The Duke reacts.

—or a lot!

Street reacts.

And some have inside connections.

Sarah poses suggestively.

But the main thing is—they went out of their way to make me feel at home.

ALFRED GIULLIANO
Welcome to Humbert College, Ned!

MARY MARGARET DOUGHERTY
Humbert needs more fine young scholars like you.

RANDALL “STREET” STREETER
(drunkenly)
You’ve got everything, young man!

JOCK RICHARDSON
(snidely)
Welcome to the snake pit!

RALPH BUKOWSKI
I’m always happy to meet another clear-eyed thinker.
(dryly)
You ARE a clear-eyed thinker, aren’t you?

WILLIAM “THE DUKE” DUKE
Can I get you another drink?

SARAH CARTER GIULLIANO
(seductively)
I’d like to get to know you much better.

NED
Okay, ready? … Roll film! … Oh, wait—the scene is the new faculty reception. I’ve just arrived at Humbert, and—well, you’ll see...

END OF EXCERPT

All in the Faculty is published and licensed by Dramatists Play Service.

Museum Piece

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:22:14 -0400

Museum Piece
A Play in One Act by William Fowkes

EXCERPT:

Scene: A bare stage. #1, #2, and #3 face the audience.

#1
(with disgust and loathing)
I don’t get it. I’ve never gotten it, really. … But you can’t SAY that, can you? That wouldn’t be…uh…CULTURALLY correct. People are such snobs! Phonies. Well, what do you expect? …

#2
(with awe)
I am so blessed. … We are ALL so blessed! … To have access to this anytime we want! Right here in this city—anytime at all!

#3
(with fear and hesitation)
I wasn’t sure I was up for it today. I’m still getting over my… Or maybe I’ve had a relapse… It seems to be one thing after another these days.

#1
Take this one thing—it’s a room—a whole room—with just six large paintings. Each with a yellow frame. And inside each frame a solid colored square. … And that’s it. That’s IT! … Okay—so, they were all kind of pretty. They might look good in an airline terminal or a shopping mall. But what’s so special?

#2
Except on Tuesdays—closed on Tuesdays. … And not in the middle of the night, either. (That would really be expecting too much, don’t you think?) But at any OTHER time—just walk over, pay a few dollars—well, not so few nowadays—and here you are!

#3
So I wasn’t sure I had the energy. But then I felt guilty—I keep saying I’m gonna go. And Saturday really is the best day. I’m not going to take a day off from work just to… And forget Sundays—those crowds!

#1
I could make these things myself, and I’m no artist. I’m not kidding! I could go buy six frames, some cans of paint, put the whole thing together and—boom—instant art. But would anyone hang them up in the Museum of Modern Art? Of course not.

#2
I don’t pay anything, actually. Well, I DO—once a year—I get an annual membership. But then I don’t have to think about it. Anytime I want a little fix, I just pop in, show them my card, and here I am. Even if it’s just for half an hour. … I am SO blessed. …

#3
I made myself get dressed. … Big accomplishment! … Well, it CAN be. On a Saturday? Saturdays are all about NOT getting dressed—or not making any effort. They’re about putting on whatever’s lying around. The shirt from last weekend, say. Just check it out to make sure it’s not completely ridiculous. And don’t worry if anything matches. Just don’t worry. It’s Saturday.

#1
So who decided to hang these things up in here? … It’s all about connections—HAS to be! Someone has to be sleeping with someone. The artist and the head of the museum, maybe. … And it doesn’t even matter who’s male and who’s female. I mean, every conceivable combination is okay in the art world, apparently.

#3
But when you make the decision to come HERE, it’s a different story. You’re going to be in the very place where people are the most judgmental about their environment—and that includes YOU.

#2
I pity the tourists. … Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with being a tourist. I’ve certainly done MY share of traipsing through the great art museums of the world. Europe, of course. Mexico City. Kyoto. Vancouver…. Art is everywhere now. …

#1
I read the real estate section in The New York Times every Sunday, and I can tell you a room that size in Manhattan can set you back a lot! So someone’s missing out on a big chunk of change here just so these six paintings that I could’ve made myself can remain on display. … I’m telling you—I just don’t get it.

#2
So I know what it’s like when your time is not completely malleable. Then it’s THREE hours at the National Gallery in London, because this is your only day, or FOUR hours at the Louvre, thanks to their evening hours.

#3
The eyes shoot around the room—they land on a painting, a sculpture, a mobile…or your clothes—they’re all there for the seeing.

#1
Or how about all the garbage? That’s what I call it—YOU know what I mean! The stuff they drag in here and throw on the floor and then expect… What? What is it they expect? Are we supposed to…?

#3
(cutting #1 off)
So naturally it takes me forever to pick out the right things to wear.

#1
(directed at #3)
Hey, I’m talking!

#3
(directed at #1)
Sorry.

#1
(to the audience)
Geez—the people nowadays! … The “element”!

#2
(directed at #1)
Actually, I was talking…

#1
(directed at #2—threateningly)
You want to make something of it?

#2
(directed at #1)
No, no. That’s quite all right. You go ahead.

#1
(directed at #2)
Thanks for nothin’!

#2 points at #1.

#2
(to the audience—quietly and conspiratorially)
“The element,” indeed!

#1
(to the audience)
Are we supposed to look at it and say, “My, that’s beautiful”? Or are they just trying to shock us. … Well, you can’t shock me, people! I’m a New Yorker! I’ve seen it all, for god’s sake! So if you drag it in here and put it on display, don’t expect me to be impressed. There’s better garbage in front of my building on any Friday night, for godsakes.

END OF EXCERPT

The Best Place We’ve Ever Lived

Fri, 2 Jan 2009 00:06:32 -0500

A Fantasy in Two Acts and Four Realms by William Fowkes

There’s more to family life than conquests and migrations.

EXCERPT

PROLOGUE

When the play begins, we see a hanging
banner with the image of an apple.
(Alternatively, there might be a projection of
an image of an apple.) The banner or
projection should disappear before the first
scene begins.

VOICEOVER
Members of the clan, we must once again call on your courage and resourcefulness as we prepare to conquer yet another new land. Be brave and remember that the gods are on our side—as always.

END OF PROLOGUE

ACT ONE

THE FIRST REALM
8th Century – Mexico

Scene 1: Late afternoon.

Ivor enters hauling in some primitive weapons.

IVOR
(to himself)
I guess this will do.

(looking around)
OUR place now.

(announcing)
I claim this dwelling in the name of Ivor the Warrior!

(calling offstage)
C’mon! You need to come fix things up in here!

Irene enters with some luggage.

IRENE
Can I rest first?

IVOR
There’s no time for that!

IRENE
Are you at least going to help this time?

IVOR
Very funny!

IRENE
I mean it!

IVOR
Warriors don’t fix things up!

IRENE
It wouldn’t kill you, ya know.

IVOR
I can’t! There’s a meeting of the clan in a little while. We’ve got a lot to do.

IRENE
I’m part of the clan, too—so I better come with you.

IVOR
Very funny! You’re a riot today! … You know you’ve gotta stay inside and huddle with the kids. We don’t know what we’re getting ourselves into. We could get attacked any minute now.

IRENE
I didn’t see anyone.

IVOR
Of course you didn’t see anyone—we made a big racket when we arrived. It probably scared them all away. … Hey, where are the kids? Get them in here—the sun’s going down!

IRENE
They’re just checking the place out.

IVOR
I want them in here!

IRENE
Cut them some slack, will ya? These moves are hard on them. I want them to like it here.

IVOR
Get them in here now, woman!

IRENE
(yelling offstage)
Ike! Iris! Your father wants you in here now! … There could be jaguars out there! … Or gods and goddesses know what! … I said NOW!

Ike enters.

IKE
Wow! This place is cool! … Did you see all those pyramids?

IRENE
Where’s your sister?

IKE
She’s watching the family move in next door.

IRENE
(yelling offstage)
Iris! Get in here right now!

Iris enters.

IRIS
Zooks, Mom! I was just hanging with Danny.

IRENE
If Danny wants to get eaten by a jaguar, that’s HIS problem. You’re MY responsibility, young lady!

IKE
(to Ivor)
Hey, Dad! What are all those pyramids for?

IVOR
I don’t know. I’ll ask them at the clan meeting tonight.

IKE
You think they’re landing pads for star creatures?

IVOR
I don’t know.

IKE
Or maybe platforms for games? Like maybe I stand on top of one, and you stand on top of the next one, and I have to kick the ball over to you?

IVOR
I said I don’t know!

IKE
And what about all these rooms? Sally says there are hundreds of them.

IRENE
Who’s Sally?

IKE
Just some girl I met during the migration.

IRENE
I don’t want you mixing with strangers. She might come from the wrong kind of people.

IVOR
Irene, she’s one of the clan. How bad can she be?

IRENE
Just because she’s one of the clan doesn’t mean she’s right for Ike.

IVOR
He’s not talking about TAKING her. He’s just talking about having a little fun with her—right, son?

IKE
Right, Dad! Just like YOU!

IRENE
Ivor! What’s he talking about?

IVOR
I have no idea.

IKE
(changing the subject)
Hey, Dad—do you think these rooms used to be temples or something?

IRENE
Oh, honey, I don’t think so. What kind of gods would live in little rooms like these?

IKE
I don’t know.
(joking)
Maybe little gods. … Godettes…

IRIS
(whining)
I don’t like these rooms. They’re cramped! The last place was much nicer!

IVOR
(angry)
Do I hear complaining?

IRIS
(suddenly respectful)
No, Dad.

IVOR
(like a volcano about to erupt)
Do you kids have a beef about something?

IKE and IRIS
(in unison)
No, sir!!

IVOR
That’s better!

IRENE
Ivor, don’t be so hard on them. They just got here.

IVOR
(angry)
They’re lucky to be alive! YOU’RE lucky to be alive! You know how many we lost in this migration? A third of the clan! Gone! Butchered! … So don’t tell me about being hard.

IRENE
I know, but I just thought…

Ivor pounds the wall.

IVOR
(erupting)
You don’t think! You know the rules!

IRENE
(meekly)
Yes, sir.

IVOR
(loudly—to everyone)
Who is the warrior?

IRENE
You are.

IVOR
Ike? Iris?

IKE
You are, Dad!

IVOR
I don’t hear you, Iris! … Iris!!

IRIS
(unenthusiastically)
You are.

IVOR
I can’t hear you!

IRIS
(louder)
I said YOU are, Dad!

IVOR
That’s better. … And who’s lucky to have a warrior protector?

IKE, IRIS, and IRENE
(in unison—obediently and terrified)
WE are!

IVOR
That’s right! … And don’t ever forget it! Or would you like to try to find out for yourselves what it’s like not to be protected? … Just remember what happened to the O’Briens. … I’ve gotta go.

IKE
Can I come along, Dad?

IVOR
Not yet, Ike. You’re not ready. … Someday soon maybe.

IRIS
How about me? Can I come?

IVOR
Very funny! You been taking comedy lessons from your mother? … Now don’t let anyone—or anything—come in here while I’m away.

Ivor exits.

IRIS
Mom, I’m frightened.

IRENE
I know, dear. I am, too.

IKE
(disgusted)
Women!

IRENE
Maybe things will be more peaceful here.

IKE
(getting excited)
Don’t count on it! Sooner or later we’re gonna attack someone else. Or maybe they’ll attack us. I can’t wait till I’m old enough to go out with the warriors!

Ike goes to look offstage.

IRENE
Ike, get away from there! You heard your father!

Ike exits.

IRIS
(terrified)
Ike!

Ike comes back in.

IKE
So what are we supposed to do all night?

IRENE
It’s getting dark. … Your father said we should huddle. Let’s try to get some sleep.

The lights dim as they lie together in a
huddle in the middle of the stage.

IRIS
(after a pause)
Mom, what if we’re attacked in the middle of the night?

IRENE
It never happens on the first night, darling. They’re just as scared of us as we are of them.

IKE
I’M not scared!

IRENE
Goodnight.

IKE and IRENE
(in unison)
Goodnight, mother.

The stage gets darker. Silence. After several
moments—representing the passing of an
hour or two—we hear the sound of
something or someone entering.

IRIS
What’s that?

IRENE
What’s what?

IRIS
That!

IRENE
I don’t hear anything.

IRIS
Mom, someone’s coming! Get the club!

Irene goes to get the club, returns to her
original position, and crouches.

IKE
(waking up)
Jeez, guys! I’m trying to sleep.

IRIS
Help!

IRENE
(yelling at the intruder)
Go away! I’ve got a club!

Ivor enters.

IVOR
Guys! Relax! It’s just me—your father. Ivor.

IRENE
You scared us half to…

IVOR
You knew I went out. … Eventually I have to come back in, right?

IKE
Hey, how was the clan meeting?

IVOR
Save it for the morning. Your mother probably wants you to sleep.

IRENE
It’s all right, Ivor. We’re all up anyway.

The lights come up a bit.

IVOR
Well, it was all very exciting. First we sang some war chants. All the old favorites. … Like the one about pulling out their nails while we stomp on their heads. … I always loved that one.

IKE
Hey, I know that one!

IVOR
I used to chant it to you when you were just a baby. … Then the chief said a few words. “We have traveled many miles… Yadda yadda yadda… Dawn of a new age for the clan… Blah-blah-blah… Historic moment… Zonk-zonk-zonk… Seize the moment… Amen!” Then he opened it up for questions. I was the first one to put my hand up—you’d be so proud of me, Ike! I said, “So tell us, great chief—what are all these pyramids for?” He raised his holy rod and said, “Good question, Ivor.” … Hear that, everyone? “Good question, Ivor!” … You’ll be telling your great grandchildren about this someday.

IKE
So what are they for?

IVOR
He said he had no idea. … He said it was up to us to GIVE them a meaning, a purpose. We decided they should be altars for the gods.

IRIS
(snidely)
We always have altars for the gods! Couldn’t you come up with anything more original?

IVOR
It has been decreed! These are altars for the gods. … And get this—this time, the gods made them themselves! … That’s how we know what they are—and which god goes with which pyramid.

IKE
HOW do you know?

IVOR
A committee’s been assigned to work on that. Then, in a few weeks, there’s gonna be a big celebration to welcome us to the city of Tea Can.

IKE
Tea Can? That’s the name of this place?

IVOR
That’s the name we’re giving it.

IRIS
Tea Can? What does it even mean?

IVOR
It’s from an ancient language we invented that only the priests can translate. … It means, “Center of the Universe.” … It means, “This is the best place—the place our people have always been destined to discover and live in.”

IRIS
The priest ends his sentences with a preposition?

IVOR
Shut up! … It means this IS our place; it always WAS our place; and always WILL be our place; and woe to anyone who thinks otherwise. … We will cut off your heads and feed them to the dogs and rape your women and feed THEM to the dogs and burn you to the ground and then dance on your ashes if you so much as dare to look at the place, much less enter it or interfere with us in any way whatsoever, so help us gods and goddesses!

IKE
“Tea Can” means all that?

IVOR
Yes it does.

IKE
How do you get all that out of just two syllables?

IVOR
That’s why we need the priests.

IRIS
So what are we going to do?

IVOR
What we always do. I’ll hunt and fish; Ike will assist me; and you ladies will stay home and clean things.

IRENE
Do you think I’ll be able to get back to my artwork?

IVOR
You mean those silly markings you like to make on the walls?

IRENE
They’re not silly! Making them is the only thing that fulfills me.

IVOR
Fine, fine. As long as you get all your chores done, I guess there’s no harm in that.

IRENE
But I’ll need some new paints—we moved so suddenly!

IVOR
Fine—I’ll go kill you a jaguar in the morning.

IRENE
Jaguar blood fades too quickly. I need some ground rocks—different colors.

IVOR
I’ll get you some rocks, but you can grind them yourself.

IRENE
Thank you, dear.

IVOR
Okay kids, time to go back to bed.

Ike and Iris resume their places in the
huddle in the middle of the floor and fall quickly back to sleep.

IRENE
One last thing, dear. Did you see anyone else out there? … Do you think we’re being watched?

IVOR
There’s no way to know—but don’t you worry your pretty little head about that. That’s what I’M here for. … Now you rest, too.

IRENE
Goodnight.

Irene starts to approach the huddle spot.

IVOR
On second thought, wait a minute!

He grabs Irene’s hand and pulls her to a spot
far away from Ike and Iris.

IRENE
I’m tired.

Ivor ignores her comment and starts to make
love to her in a very rough, primitive way.
Irene is blasé about the whole thing and just
seems to let it happen to her, as if she’s quite
used to it. When Ivor finishes, he rolls away
from her.

IVOR
Now you can rest.

IRENE
Thank you, dear.

END OF SCENE

END OF EXCERPT