All in the Faculty

                               A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes

                   Brilliant professors can be rank amateurs in the field of self-knowledge.

                                                                EXCERPT

ACT ONE

PROLOGUE: When the play begins, Ned Jenkins stands at center stage looking out into the audience as if watching a movie being projected in the distance.

NED JENKINS

(pointing up and out into the audience)

I always love this part! … Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint are being chased down Mount Rushmore by James Mason and the other bad guys.

(excitedly while pantomiming the movement)

Then she starts to slip, so he reaches down to grab her arm and tries to hold onto the rocks above him with his other arm, but then one of the bad guys steps on his hand and it looks like he’ll never be able to hold on. But then there’s a shot and the bad guy falls and then—here—right here! He starts to pull her up and suddenly we cut to a train, and now he’s pulling her up into his bunk, about to—

(more calmly, almost demurely)

Well, you know the rest, I’m sure. … I’ve seen this movie a dozen times, maybe more. You see, I’ve got this idea—well, it’s more than an idea. It’s going to be a book—a book that’s going to get me tenure on the faculty of a philosophy department at a college or university. … I mean, it HAS to… Because…well, because my life’s ambition is to be a professor. And that means I have to get tenure—SOMEWHERE!

(slightly embarrassed to have exposed himself)

Anyway, the idea—my THESIS—is that watching a movie the second or third time around is necessarily a more profound experience—an aesthetically richer experience—than seeing it the first time. And I can prove this using the tools of phenomenology, structuralism, and semiotics. 

(speaking more confidentially)

The thing is—sometimes I can’t help thinking about my own life in the same way. If I could just sit back and watch it over and over again, maybe it would finally make sense. I don’t mean things would happen any differently—I’m not like that woman from Atlanta who kept watching Gone With the Wind over and over hoping the South would eventually win the Civil War. … No, my life is what it is. But what is it?!

First, the basics. Name: Edward Jenkins—but please call me Ned. Birthplace: New Haven, Connecticut. The only child of Norbert and Ruth Jenkins. You may have heard of Norbert—the distinguished professor of Comparative Literature at Yale—if you’re a member of the academy, that is. I have a few credentials of my own—graduated magna cum laude from Wesleyan, a PhD in philosophy from Wisconsin. Taught at several colleges all over the Midwest. Then—well, I’m getting ahead of myself.

This story isn’t just about me, anyway. It’s also about Humbert College in Olmstead, New York. You’ve heard of it, right? … No, I didn’t think so. It’s got a good lacrosse team. A beautiful campus overlooking Seneca Lake in the heart of the Finger Lakes. And a faculty that’s—well, let’s just say they’re colorful.

Professor Mary Margaret Dougherty, Professor Charles “Jock” Richardson, Professor Alfred Giulliano, Professor Ralph Bukowski, Professor William “The Duke” Duke, Professor Randall “Street” Streeter, and Sarah Giulliano step out on stage.

Some of them are quite distinguished in their field.

Mary nods demurely.

Some are a little pompous.

Jock poses.

Some are larger than life.

Alfred poses.

Some are small-minded.

Ralph mugs.

Some drink a little too much—

The Duke reacts.

—or a lot!

Street reacts.

And some have inside connections.

Sarah poses suggestively.

But the main thing is—they went out of their way to make me feel at home.

ALFRED GIULLIANO

Welcome to Humbert College, Ned!

MARY MARGARET DOUGHERTY

Humbert needs more fine young scholars like you.

RANDALL “STREET” STREETER

 (drunkenly)

You’ve got everything, young man!

JOCK RICHARDSON

(snidely)

Welcome to the snake pit!

RALPH BUKOWSKI

I’m always happy to meet another clear-eyed thinker.

(dryly)

You ARE a clear-eyed thinker, aren’t you?

WILLIAM “THE DUKE” DUKE

Can I get you another drink?

SARAH CARTER GIULLIANO

(seductively)

I’d like to get to know you much better.

NED

Okay, ready? … Roll film! … Oh, wait—the scene is the new faculty reception. I’ve just arrived at Humbert, and—well, you’ll see...

                                                     END OF EXCERPT

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