EXCERPTS - PLAYS
The Last Nights of the Sunshine SAGE Club
A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes
One man’s idea of heaven can be another’s worst nightmare.
EXCERPT:
ACT 2
Scene 1: Two weeks later. Early evening.
Brad is straightening things up in the lounge.
Robby enters wearing outrageous swimming
wear—perhaps a thong bathing suit, an open
Hawaiian shirt, and neon flip flops.
ROBBY
(flirtatiously to Brad)
Hello there, young man! … Yoo-hoo, Buddy Boy!
(beat)
I said hello!
BRAD
Mr. Smirnoff, I’m afraid you can’t come into the lounge in your bathing suit.
ROBBY
Why for heaven’s sake not?
BRAD
It’s against the rules.
ROBBY
(snapping)
Rules, rules, rules! What is this—a social club or a military base?
BRAD
I’m sorry—I don’t make the rules.
ROBBY
Well, who does then?
BRAD
The board.
ROBBY
And who’s on the board?
BRAD
They’re elected.
ROBBY
I know all about these board elections. They’re always rigged.
BRAD
If you don’t like the way the board’s doing its job, you can always run for office yourself, you know.
ROBBY
I might just do that! Loosen this place up a bit. … Believe me, it would be a lot more fun around here if I was in charge.
BRAD
Is that all you care about?
AL
What?
BRAD
Life isn’t all about fun.
ROBBY
You have a better idea?
BRAD
Well… What about serious things?
ROBBY
Serious things? What does that mean?
BRAD
Like God.
ROBBY
(sarcastically)
Oh, him.
AL
(beat)
I don’t like having to say this, but you guys don’t have many years left. Have you made your peace with Jesus? There’s always time to repent for what you’ve done.
ROBBY
Jesus? No, I haven’t made my peace with Jesus—I’m Jewish! … We killed him, remember? … I think he’s probably still pissed off at us.
BRAD
You can joke all you want—on judgment day there won’t be any more time for jokes.
ROBBY
Jesus—you’re in a pretty odd mood!
BRAD
Please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!
ROBBY
(snapping)
I didn’t mean…!
(more calmly)
How can you think all these things and still work in a place like this?
BRAD
I better go—I have work to do.
He starts to exit, but pauses.
And please leave the lounge area before anyone else sees you like that.
Brad exits. A moment later Al enters.
ROBBY
(dramatically)
Al, baby! Don’t look at me! I’m not supposed to be here!
AL
What do you mean?
ROBBY
Apparently there’s a rule against swimwear in the lounge—if you can believe it!
AL
Oh, that’s right. I guess there is.
ROBBY
That little Nazi queen tried to give me a hard time about it!
AL
Who?
ROBBY
Brad. … What’s his story anyway? He started talking Jesus with me.
AL
Oh. … Yes, I’ve heard his pitch. But he’s really a very decent young man.
ROBBY
Decent! Schmecent! I’m gonna run for the board. And then when I’m chairman, I’m gonna run all these decent people out of here and replace them with some hot young men who know how to fawn over their elders properly.
AL
(dryly)
I look forward to your election campaign.
ROBBY
I’m not serious. … I don’t THINK I’m serious. I just don’t like these rules. I moved down here to have fun, for god’s sake!
Brad re-enters.
BRAD
Mr. Smirnoff, I don’t mean to be rude, but I gave you a warning.
ROBBY
(snapping)
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
BRAD
I could lose my job.
ROBBY
Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing!
AL
Robby!
ROBBY
Well, what am I supposed to do? I was on the beach all afternoon watching some boys play volley ball—I got distracted! All those balls bouncing up and down! And the legs on some of those guys! Not to mention their backs. … Their chests… Their…
AL
(cutting him off)
I get the picture!
ROBBY
I lost track of the time. I didn’t have a chance to go home and change. So sue me!
BRAD
Mr. Smirnoff, I’m trying to be nice about this.
ROBBY
Nice would be to stop bothering me!
BRAD
Are you gonna leave peacefully or am I going to have to carry you out?
ROBBY
Oh, I’d like that! Since you refuse to give me a massage, that would be a nice consolation prize. Just imagine being picked up by those massive arms of yours! When do we start?
BRAD
Act your age!
AL
(diplomatically)
Robby, why don’t you just do what Brad wants? There’s no need to cause a scene.
ROBBY
Oh, all right! If you’re all gonna gang up on me!
BRAD
Thank you.
ROBBY
Prissy little queens! I can’t stand them!
Robby exits.
AL
Hey, Brad—I’m sorry he gave you such a hard time. You handled him very well.
BRAD
Thank you, Mr. Goetz.
AL
Mr. Goetz?
BRAD
What can I do for you?
AL
What do you mean?
BRAD
Would you like me to get you a drink or something?
AL
I don’t need a drink. I just want to talk to you.
BRAD
I can’t talk—I’m working. If you want a drink, I can help you out. Otherwise, I’ve gotta move on.
AL
Why are you being so standoffish?
BRAD
I’m just doing my job.
AL
You’ve been like this all week. Did I do something wrong? … Haven’t you enjoyed our time together?
BRAD
(irked)
I told you I don’t want people knowing about any of that!
AL
I haven’t told anyone! I’ve been good. … I’ve had a lot of practice keeping these things hidden, you know.
BRAD
What things?
AL
I was with Jeff for twenty years, and no one even knew—I’m sure your mother had no idea.
BRAD
Leave my mother out of this, please.
AL
I just mean—you’re the first one since Jeff—the first serious… Look, I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize this.
BRAD
Thank you for respecting my privacy.
AL
It’s OUR privacy. We’re in this together.
BRAD
I don’t know if I want to be in anything…
AL
No, no! I’m not trying to pressure you. I just mean… I miss you when we’re not together, that’s all. And now it’s been a whole week.
BRAD
I better go. I’ve got work to do.
AL
When can we get together again?
BRAD
I’m not sure we can ever do that again.
AL
Brad—don’t be ridiculous!
(more quietly)
You told me you love me.
BRAD
Not here! Please!
AL
O.K., O.K., I’ll be good! But when can I see you? We have to talk.
John enters. Brad notices him.
BRAD
Anything else I can do for you, Mr. Goetz?
AL
Uh, no thank you, Brad. Thanks for everything.
BRAD
How about you Mr. Strathmore? You want a drink or a snack?
JOHN
Maybe in a little while, Brad. Thanks for asking.
Brad exits.
Seems like a nice kid.
AL
Yeah—real nice.
JOHN
And not bad in the looks department either.
AL
So you DO notice these things. I wasn’t sure about you.
JOHN
Of course I do. I told you I…
(changing the subject)
So what’s on the agenda tonight? There always seems to be something going on here.
AL
Not much, I think. Everyone’s saving up their energy for next week.
JOHN
What’s next week?
AL
Carnival—the biggest event of the year! You’ll be amazed at the transformation this place goes through. And the food—they really pull out all the stops. And, of course, the entertainment. There’s nothing like some hot male dancers in tight shorts to get a bunch of retirees’ hearts pumping.
JOHN
(joking)
I hope they have oxygen pumps standing by.
AL
They always do! Every medical tool is within arm’s reach. If you’re gonna collapse, there’s no better place in all South Florida to do it than right here.
JOHN
Not a bad way to go, either, I bet!
AL
Amen.
(distracted)
Will you excuse me a moment? I need to go talk to someone.
JOHN
No problem.
Al exits. John looks around the room. Mary
enters all dolled up, but carrying her bag over her shoulders as usual. When she sees that he’s all alone, she ambles up to him.
MARY
Well, hello there, Mr. Strathmore!
JOHN
Hello, ma’am. … Please remind me what your name is.
MARY
Did I make so little an impression?
JOHN
No, I remember you perfectly well—I’m just bad with names.
MARY
The name’s Mary, Honey. … Mary King.
JOHN
Pleased to see you again, Ms. King.
MARY
(setting her bag down)
You don’t have to be so formal. Besides, the King part is a bit of ancient history—a relic from an old marriage. My maiden name was MacDonald. … Between the old farmer and his ee-eye-ee-eye-oh—not to mention the burger chain—I was delighted to get rid of it. I wasn’t about to go back to it when Mr. King bailed out on me! And the next guy who wants to marry me better be able to offer up as nice a name as King—otherwise it’s no dice.
JOHN
(joking)
Who says you’d have to get married? Why not just live together?
MARY
Ya mean shack up? … You naughty boy, you!
(beat)
Well, I’ve had my share of that, too, to tell the truth.
JOHN
So now you’re looking to get married again?
MARY
Well, I suppose I would if the right man showed up. I certainly never thought I’d come across any prospects at the Sunshine SAGE Club!
JOHN
No, I don’t suppose you would.
MARY
I understand that YOU were married until recently. I’m very sorry to hear about the demise of Mrs. Strathmore. … I assume she went by your name—what woman wouldn’t want to take on a name as classy as that?
JOHN
She didn’t need my name to be classy. She was the very definition of the word.
MARY
I bet she was somethin’! … What did she die of, if you don’t mind my asking?
JOHN
(beat)
Cancer.
MARY
Ah, yes—the C-word. … Sorry—that’s what my mother always called it. I’m so sorry. … Cancer’s gonna be the death of all of us, I bet. … That or a broken hip. You’d think by now they’d’ve found a cure for it.
JOHN
She was very brave right up until the end. They could only do so much for her. … It was in the brain. That kind moves very fast, they told me.
MARY
What was her Christian name?
JOHN
Evelyn.
MARY
Such a pretty name. … How long were you and Evelyn married?
JOHN
10 years.
MARY
That’s a long time.
JOHN
Not so very long, really. My parents were married for over fifty years.
MARY
The long-lost Mr. King and I only managed to make it to our third anniversary.
JOHN
I still felt like I was just getting to know her. That was the thing about her—she was always capable of surprising me.
MARY
She sounds like a remarkable woman.
JOHN
She was.
MARY
And I bet she loved you very much.
JOHN
(starting to tear up a bit)
Yes, she did.
(beat)
Love without qualification or judgment.
Pause.
MARY
(consoling him)
Tell me something—does it feel like you’ll never meet someone like her again, that you’ll have a big hole in your heart for the rest of your life?
JOHN
Sometimes it does, yes.
MARY
I know that feeling. … That’s how I felt when Mr. King and I got divorced. I know it’s not exactly the same thing—the bastard didn’t have the decency to die on me—but it made me feel like I’d never find happiness with a man again. Like there’s something wrong with me. The very thought that a man might walk out on me again makes me… Well, it hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been… But forget about me! We were talking about YOU—what you’re feeling. About the hole in your heart.
JOHN
It’s not always like that. Just sometimes.
MARY
Honey, I’ll tell you what you do when you get that feeling.
(perhaps holding him and stroking his
hair or back)
Just let it wash over you, like an ocean wave. Just let it wash over you, because you know what…?
JOHN
What?
MARY
As sure as the wave comes in, it goes right back out, and you’re in the clear air again.
JOHN
(beat)
That’s very profound.
MARY
Thank you. It’s something my mother taught me. Whenever I was blue, that’s what she’d say. It’s helped me through many a hard time. So one day, you’re gonna find yourself in the clear air again. You’re gonna be ready to meet someone new and consider…well—whatever possibilities appeal to you, I suppose.
JOHN
I have days when that’s exactly how I feel.
MARY
See there? Good for you!
JOHN
(cheering up)
I know I won’t be alone forever. I wasn’t alone before I met her. Why would that change now?
MARY
That’s the attitude! … And Shug, when you think you’re ready, just let me know. We’ve both been there. Maybe I can help you come out into the world again.
JOHN
I’m trying real hard to do just that.
MARY
(flirtatiously)
You are? Then maybe you’ve got more potential than I thought!
JOHN
That’s why I joined this club, actually.
MARY
But Darlin’, this isn’t the right kind of club to be joinin’ if that’s what you want.
JOHN
It’s a very nice bunch of guys.
MARY
I know it’s a very nice bunch of guys—that’s why I hang out here, too. But—look, I know it’s a safe haven. No one’s gonna bother us here. But you’ve got to put yourself back out into the WIDER world if you want to find romantic or sexual opportunities.
JOHN
Why can’t that happen here?
MARY
Because it won’t, Honey! … Not many prospects here, if you know what I mean.
JOHN
Is there something wrong with these guys that I don’t know about?
MARY
Honey, they’re gay!
JOHN
I know that.
MARY
And you’re a breeder! Don’t you go wastin’ any more of your time hangin’ out here. … I don’t know the male equivalent of a fag hag, but don’t let yourself become one!
JOHN
(soberly)
Mary, I think maybe I’ve given you the wrong impression. I belong here every bit as much as any of these guys. I’m gay, too.
MARY
I know you’re in mourning, Shug, but don’t go switching teams just because your heart’s broken!
JOHN
I’m gay! I’ve always been gay! … O.K., yes, I was married to a woman—in every sense of the term—for ten years. But she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. All my other experiences—all my other relationships have been with men. My next relationship will probably be with a man, too.
MARY
(starting to get angry)
Then why’d you go leading me on like that?
JOHN
Leading you on like what?
MARY
You let me pour my heart out to you…!
JOHN
We were just making conversation!
MARY
Just making conversation? Is that what you call it when you come on to a lady?
JOHN
I didn’t…
MARY
(erupting)
You’re worse than any of these other guys! They don’t pretend! I know just where I stand—or DON’T stand—with them. But you? What are you? What the hell ARE you? And what am I doing here? I’m sick of this place!
She grabs her bag and slings it over her shoulders.
I knew I should have gone to that speed dating mixer up at Pompano Beach tonight!
She storms out.
BLACKOUT
END OF EXCERPT
The Last Nights of the Sunshine SAGE Club
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