The German Lesson

                            A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes

                                              Why worry when life is spectacular?

                                                                 EXCERPT:

                                                                      ACT I

SCENE 1

   

The Scene: A Saturday afternoon one February. The Hudson living room in New Rochelle, NY. Trevor Hudson is practicing German with the help of a German lesson CD.

VOICEOVER

Ist das ein grosses Haus? [Translation: Is that a big house?]

TREVOR HUDSON

(Trying to imitate the CD while walking around and straightening things up) Ist das ein grosses Haus?

VOICEOVER

Ja, das ist ein grosses Haus. [Translation: Yes that is a big house.]

TREVOR

Ja, das ist ein grosser Haus—no, I mean grosses—ein grosses Haus. (Joking) The house is SO gross!

VOICEOVER

Berlin ist grösser als München. [Translation: Berlin is bigger than Munich.]

TREVOR

Berlin ist grösser als München.

VOICEOVER

Aber Berlin ist nicht so gross wie New York. [Translation: But Berlin isn’t as big as New York.]

TREVOR

Aber Berlin ist nicht so gross wie New York. Nein—New York ist grösser als Berlin—God, I’m getting good at this! (Doorbell rings.)

VOICEOVER

Der Volkswagen ist nicht sehr schnell. [Translation: The Volkswagen doesn’t go very fast.]

TREVOR

Der Volkswagen ist nicht sehr schnell. (Doorbell rings again.) Ich komme! I’m coming!

VOICEOVER

Aber der Mercedes ist schneller. [Translation: But the Mercedes goes faster.]

TREVOR

(Opening the door) Der Mercedes ist schneller! (Acknowledging his visitor) Wilkommen zu mein Haus. Or is it auf mein Haus? Or meines Hauses? (Beat) Oh, just come in, Jerry!

JERRY HOBART

(Hesitating before entering) Do I have the wrong house? I thought the Hudsons spoke English.

TREVOR

They used to. Now they’re becoming polyglots—or at least I am.

JERRY

(Entering) Poly-whats?

VOICEOVER

Heinrich verkauft eine Katze. [Translation: Heinrich is buying a cat.]

TREVOR

(Struggling) Heinrich verkauft eine Katze. God, that’s a hard one!

JERRY

Are you going to make me join the Nazi party? Because I don’t do parties—especially not the Nazi party.

VOICEOVER

Geben ist besser als Nehmen. [Translation: Giving is better than receiving.]

JERRY

What are you doing, anyway?

TREVOR

I’m practicing my German.

JERRY

I didn’t know you had a German. A German what?

TREVOR

(Turns off the machine) German. Deutsch. The language of Goethe, Hegel, and Brecht.

JERRY

Was that a Nazi law firm?

TREVOR

Could you please spare me the Nazi jokes?

JERRY

Spare you the Nazi jokes? I’d have nothing left in my repertoire. (Beat) I’d be mute.

TREVOR

There’s more to German—there’s more to Germany than the Nazis.

JERRY

Well don’t tell my grandparents that—they spent time at Dachau, you know.

TREVOR

(Suddenly serious) Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You never mentioned it before.

JERRY

Yeah—they took that Biscotti Bus Tour of Germany and Eastern Europe a few years before they died. Dachau was one of the sites on the itinerary.

TREVOR

Very funny.

JERRY

No, seriously—they took pictures. Some great shots.

TREVOR

Okay—why did you stop by? I’m kind of busy here.

JERRY

I’m your best friend. I don’t need a reason.

TREVOR

You don’t—but I really need to get back to my German lesson.

JERRY

(Sits) I won’t disturb you. I’ll just sit here. Don’t mind me.

TREVOR

Is Kate’s mother staying with you again? Is that what this is all about—hiding out from the in-laws?

JERRY

No, nothing like that. Where’s Elizabeth, speaking of wives?

TREVOR

Visiting her folks.

JERRY

Again? She was there the last time I stopped by.

TREVOR

Her Dad’s still ill. Anyway, I enjoy the reprieve. Helps me focus on my German.

JERRY

There you go with your German again! Your German what? (Beat) Shepherd? Measles? (Beat) Potato salad?

TREVOR

Bad jokes don’t get any better with repetition.

JERRY

Seriously—how is Beth? I haven’t seen her in ages.

TREVOR

She’s fine. Spectacular as always.

JERRY

Is she doing this German thing, too?

TREVOR

No, just me.

JERRY

And Caroline?

TREVOR

She hates her French as it is. I’d never get her to study German, too.

JERRY

No, I mean how is she? How’s she getting on at Brown?

TREVOR

She’s fine. Going to football and basketball games. Pulling all-nighters. Annoying her roommates. All those college things.

JERRY

I haven’t seen HER in ages either.

TREVOR

You know how college kids are—you only see them when they run out of money. (Jerry bursts out crying.) Why should that upset you? She’s MY daughter. It’s MY money—and I’m fine.

JERRY

I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. Comes on unexpectedly. For no reason, I just start crying.

TREVOR

There was something about this in Scientific American recently. I think it’s just part of aging.

JERRY

Since when do you read Scientific American?

TREVOR

I don’t. The author of the article was on The Today Show.

JERRY

What article?

TREVOR

He said there’s some enzyme in men’s brains that controls emotions—that’s why real men don’t cry. Women don’t have it at all. But it starts to dry up as we age—and then, suddenly, we start to cry.

JERRY

You’re making that up!

TREVOR

(Harshly) I don’t make things up! (Softer) Sorry.

JERRY

(Starts crying again) So that’s what you think’s happening to me?

TREVOR

Just a hypothesis.

JERRY

But YOU don’t cry.

TREVOR

I’m younger than you.

JERRY

TWO years younger.

TREVOR

Maybe I have better genes. (Beat) Maybe I have nothing to cry about.

JERRY

I don’t have anything to cry about.

TREVOR

Ergo my hypothesis. (Pause) Also, was machen wir hier?

JERRY

What?

TREVOR

So, what are we doing here?

JERRY

I’m crying and you’re practicing your German. (Beat) Just your typical Saturday afternoon in New Rochelle.

TREVOR

And I’m thoroughly enjoying it, but we might each do a better job of it in private, don’t you think?

JERRY

(Pause) I lied.

TREVOR

About what? (Beat) Your parents never took a Biscotti Bus Tour?

JERRY

I said I have nothing to cry about.

TREVOR

So you DO have something?

JERRY

Yes.

TREVOR

Good—mystery solved! Now you can go home and I’ll get back to…

JERRY

Don’t you want to know what I’m crying about?!

TREVOR

Of course not—that’s your personal business.

JERRY

But I want to tell you.

TREVOR

(Softening) Of course you can tell me.

JERRY

It’s Kate. (Beat) She’s leaving me.

TREVOR

What? (Beat) When?

JERRY

I don’t know when. (Beat) She doesn’t know I know.

TREVOR

Then how do you know?

JERRY

Okay, I don’t know she’s leaving me. I just know she’s having an affair.

TREVOR

Oh, is that all?

JERRY

Is that all?!

TREVOR

Everyone has affairs.

JERRY

Do YOU have affairs?

TREVOR

No.

JERRY

Well, I don’t either.

TREVOR

So maybe we just prove the rule.

JERRY

How can you make jokes?

TREVOR

I didn’t think that was a joke.

JERRY

Don’t you understand? I could lose her forever!

TREVOR

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. (Beat) How do you know she’s having…?

JERRY

She forgot to log off of her email last night. (Beat) I saw some instant messages. Some very hot ones from someone named GreenwichHunk.

TREVOR

People lie on line. (Beat) It might just be a 13-year old girl.

JERRY

Are you saying my wife’s a lesbian?

TREVOR

If the girl’s 13, I think that makes her a pederast, not a lesbian. (Beat) Or can a woman be a pederast?

JERRY

How can you make jokes?

TREVOR

I’m just saying—you’re getting ahead of yourself. You know nothing about this hunky Greenwich person.

JERRY

So you think he really IS hunky?

TREVOR

The whole thing might be a joke.

JERRY

They’re making plans.

TREVOR

What plans?

JERRY

His last message said to come up to Connecticut to see him today at noon. And she agreed.

TREVOR

That was silly. They could just as easily meet after work one night in the city and no one would ever know.

JERRY

Whose side are you on?!

TREVOR

Who has an affair at noon on a Saturday? (Beat) Maybe it’s something innocent. Maybe she’s planning a surprise for you. Don’t you have a birthday coming up?

JERRY

And it’s not the first time.

TREVOR

Oh?

JERRY

She goes on line all the time—sometimes for hours on end. (Beat) I’ve caught her in the middle of the night.

TREVOR

Maybe she just has insomnia.

JERRY

She doesn’t have insomnia! And if she did, she could read a book.

TREVOR

Maybe she doesn’t like to read.

JERRY

I know my wife! (Beat) YOU don’t know my wife!

TREVOR

I’m just trying to help.

JERRY

And the mysterious appointments. The disappearances.

TREVOR

What do you mean?

JERRY

I don’t always know where she is—or where she’s been.

TREVOR

A person’s entitled to some privacy.

JERRY

You don’t understand! She was never like this before.

TREVOR

Like what?

JERRY

Distracted. (Beat) Distant. (Beat) Secretive.

TREVOR

All admirable qualities. I aspire to them myself.

JERRY

Stop it!

TREVOR

It’s all right, Jerry.

JERRY

How can you say it’s all right?!

TREVOR

Isn’t that what people are supposed to say?

JERRY

Are you listening to me?!

TREVOR

I’m in the same room.

JERRY

Trevor! Jesus! What’s the matter with you?

TREVOR

I’m fine.

JERRY

Has your perfect little life made you indifferent to the problems of us lesser mortals?

TREVOR

Who says my life’s perfect?

JERRY

You have a perfect wife—“spectacular,” to use your word. While mine’s a cyberspace slut. (Beat) And a brilliant daughter at an Ivy League school, while my twins are struggling their way through a second-rate branch of SUNY in a town no one’s ever heard of. I’ll be lucky if they get jobs at McDonald’s.

TREVOR

No one’s life is perfect.

JERRY

Trevor! My life is leaving me—I mean my wife.

TREVOR

I like it better the first way.

JERRY

Trevor! (Beat) I’m 50 years old! I can’t start out all over again! I’m ruined!

VOICEOVER

Wie geht es? Danke sehr gut. [Translation: How are you? Fine, thanks.]

BLACKOUT

END OF EXCERPT