EXCERPTS - PLAYS
Couple of the Century
A Play in Two Acts by William Fowkes
Looking for love, marriage, and therapy on Central Park West.
EXCERPT:
ACT I
SCENE 2. 3 months earlier (January 2005). Nick and Diane’s bedroom. A bed, an armchair, a loveseat, and a vanity table and chair.
Nick is preparing the room for a special
love-making session—lighting candles,
lowering the lights, plumping the pillows,
holding a rose, etc.
NICK
(calling offstage)
Honey, come to bed! … It’s late!
Diane enters carrying a book.
DIANE
I know it’s late, but I’ve got to finish this book.
(looking around)
What’s all this?
NICK
Welcome to Nick Turner’s love chamber! You’ve been chosen from thousands of contestants to spend a night in the arms of that master of love, Nick Turner!
DIANE
Nick, not tonight, please. I told you I’ve got to finish this book.
NICK
You can read your book any night, but a night with Nick Turner is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
(as an aside)
Especially at the rate we’ve been going lately.
He touches Diane—massages her, perhaps.
Come on—let me relax you. You’ll forget all about that big nasty book.
DIANE
(tempted to give in, but resisting nevertheless)
I don’t know. … It’s very sweet of you. … The candles are nice.
Nick starts to kiss her. After a few moments,
she finally breaks it off.
It’s just not a good time, Nick.
She moves away and gets into bed or sits on
the loveseat. She opens her book, suddenly
all chipper.
Come here! Why don’t you sit next to me? You can read something, too. … I won’t be long.
She looks around.
You haven’t seen my reading glasses, have you?
Nick ignores her question. She starts to read,
holding the book at arm’s length. He sits
down in the armchair, bored and frustrated.
NICK
Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt your reading—I want to ask you something.
DIANE
Nick…
NICK
You can get back to your book in a minute and read for as long as you like. … I can even go sleep out in the living room.
DIANE
Honey, don’t say that! I’m not trying to throw you out of bed.
NICK
Are you sure? Because I think maybe that’s what this is all about.
(beat)
If I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe you were having an affair with somebody, ’cause you sure don’t seem to have anything left over for me.
DIANE
Nick!
NICK
(beat)
Where’s the sugar? … I know you got sugar—you’ve given it to me before. I mean, we have two kids—that didn’t happen by reading books. So maybe you’re giving it to someone else or— I don’t know—maybe you used it up on yourself, but there’s definitely a shortage here. So, I wanna know… Where’s the sugar?
DIANE
There’s plenty of sugar in the kitchen.
NICK
O.K., I can be direct, like one of your patients.
(in an irritating voice)
“My wife doesn’t like to have sex with me anymore. What am I gonna do, doctor?”
DIANE
That’s not true! We have sex all the time.
NICK
Like when? When was the last time?
DIANE
I don’t know. … Just recently… New Year’s Day. … Remember?
NICK
(sarcastically)
Yeah—I remember.
DIANE
Nick, you’re making a big fuss about nothing.
NICK
My point exactly. Nothing. Nada. That’s what I get.
DIANE
Are we going to go all over this again?
NICK
I’d say that’s a good idea, don’t you think? … You can’t just ignore these things and hope they go away.
DIANE
What things?
NICK
Look, honey, I know you’ve been very busy lately. The kids. Your practice. Shopping for shoes. Filing your nails. Flossing your teeth. Reading this goddamn book you claim you have to finish or else—I don’t know—or else life won’t be worth living. … But what about me, for god’s sake? … We’re in crisis, baby, whether you want to admit it or not!
DIANE
You keep saying that! We keep having this discussion! … There’s nothing wrong with us. We’ve got a great marriage!
NICK
But we don’t have sex!
DIANE
We have sex! Don’t make things up!
NICK
(sarcastically)
Hand jobs don’t count!
(beat)
I want a physical relationship with my wife. Is that so wrong? I want to touch you, squeeze you—lick you all over. And I want you to do the same to me—the way we used to. … And, yes, every now and then, preferably more than once a month, I want to lie on top of you—or under you or next to you—and enter you.
DIANE
How poetic!
NICK
You weren’t always like this.
DIANE
Like what?
He goes to hold her. She stiffens up.
NICK
Like this! See—you can’t even stand my touch!
DIANE
No, no! You just caught me off guard, that’s all.
NICK
(releasing her)
O.K., I’ll try again.
(beat)
I’m giving you plenty of warning this time.
(beat)
Are you ready?
She nods.
Sure?
She nods again.
No surprises here. I’m about to touch you. … Here I come!
He goes to hold her and she stiffens up
again.
Jesus Christ! Your skin recoils! You’re allergic to me!
Diane gets up and goes over to the vanity
table.
DIANE
No, no! I’m just distracted. It’s the book. I really have to finish it.
NICK
Why?
DIANE
Why what?
NICK
Why do you have to finish the book? … Are you having an affair with someone who gives you reading assignments? … Just tell me what’s so special about the goddamn book!
DIANE
Don’t be vulgar!
(putting down the book)
Nothing. … There’s nothing special about the book. … It’s not the book per se.
NICK
Per se?
DIANE
It’s not the book.
NICK
Good. We’re making progress. … What is it, then?
DIANE
… I honestly don’t know.
NICK
Yes, that’s honest. Now let’s talk about it.
DIANE
I don’t want to talk about it. … I can’t.
NICK
You can’t? A therapist who can’t talk about sex? … Now THAT’S a problem. We’re not just talking about our marriage being in jeopardy—your very livelihood may be at stake!
DIANE
Is everything a joke with you?
NICK
No, I prefer sex.
DIANE
Well, the joking’s not going to get us back on track.
NICK
(dryly)
I can be as humorless as your father, if that’ll help.
DIANE
Don’t drag my father into this!
NICK
No, I don’t imagine he’d be much help. … Your mother, on the other hand—SHE must have a sense of humor. She laughs at ME all the time.
(beat)
You ever wonder about THEIR sex life?
DIANE
Can it!
NICK
I can’t help being curious. Aren’t you?
DIANE
Nick!
NICK
Okay. … Look, we’ve both admitted we have a problem. That’s a great start. Now let’s work on that.
DIANE
I don’t admit we have a problem. … This whole thing is making me uncomfortable.
She gets up and crosses the room.
If you really think there’s a problem, why don’t you go talk to a therapist about it?
NICK
Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?
DIANE
No, seriously.
(brightening at a thought)
Hey, wait—that’s a great idea!
(beat)
Why don’t you come see me in my office downstairs?
NICK
See you in your office downstairs? You’re right here!
DIANE
(still brightening)
Sure—we’ll hold a few sessions. You can pretend you’re one of my patients.
NICK
Are you nuts?
DIANE
Hear me out! … I’ll treat you like a regular patient. You’ll talk; I’ll listen. You can say whatever you like. I promise I won’t be judgmental.
NICK
And just how much would you plan on charging me for this service?
DIANE
Honey, of course I wouldn’t charge you anything.
NICK
Now we’re really making progress—no sex, but I get freebies! … And at the rates YOU charge, that could add up to quite a piece of change. I’m getting excited just thinking about the savings!
Diane sits down and resumes her reading.
DIANE
Great! Call me in the morning, and I’ll check my calendar.
NICK
I was just kidding. … The idea’s ludicrous! You’re my wife, not my therapist. … I should be able to talk to my wife.
DIANE
But don’t you see? That’s the beauty of this—SHE’LL be listening, too.
NICK
You’re scaring me. … I thought all I had on my hands was a wife turning cold, but now it looks more like schizophrenia.
Diane throws her book on the floor.
DIANE
(hurt and serious)
More jokes! You say we have a problem—fine! You say you have needs I’m not meeting—O.K. But why can’t you think about MY needs for once? … I don’t know why I can’t give you what you want—or even talk about it. But I DO know how to talk to patients. … I’m a good therapist—no, a great one! And I get results! … Can’t you try to humor me at least once—instead of always accusing me of being a frigid bitch?
NICK
I never said “bitch.”
(beat)
Look, I know you’re a great therapist, but if we’ve got a problem, shouldn’t we go see someone TOGETHER? You know, as a couple.
DIANE
Even couples should seek help individually first. … Everyone has issues with arrested development.
NICK
Arrested development? I don’t even know what that means.
DIANE
I don’t tell you how to run YOUR business! Just trust me on this—for once, O.K.?
Nick goes to touch Diane, and this time she
lets him.
NICK
(softening)
O.K., let’s try it your way.
(beat)
I’ll be a good boy.
DIANE
I’m not trying to be your mother!
NICK
Let me re-phrase that.
(beat)
I love you, Diane. You’re my wife—the only wife I’ll ever have—the mother of our two precious children. You mean everything to me. … I’ll do whatever it takes to get back what we had. … If that means going into therapy—with my own wife even—so be it.
DIANE
… Thank you, darling. You don’t know how much this means to me.
(beat)
Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to my reading.
NICK
After all that, you can still read?
DIANE
Honey, I’m a professional. I could read…
Suddenly upset, Diane looks for her book.
Wait a second—where’s my book? You didn’t touch my book, did you?
NICK
I hardly touched YOU!
Diane finds the book.
DIANE
(crying out)
Found it!
NICK
You want me to go downstairs and get your appointment book right now?
DIANE
It’s okay.
Diane resumes her reading.
NICK
… I just have one more question.
DIANE
What’s that?
NICK
Do I have to take my shoes off when I lie down on your couch?
DIANE
I’m not a Freudian—my patients don’t lie down on the sofa!
NICK
But you do have a couch—I mean a sofa, right?
DIANE
Yes I have a sofa—a couch. … And a box of Kleenex. … All the usual paraphernalia.
NICK
(flirtatiously)
So, uh, if things work out…can I have my way with you right there on the sofa?
DIANE
Sorry, I don’t get involved with any of my patients.
(beat; flirtatiously)
But I’m sure your wife will be happy to celebrate with you back upstairs.
NICK
O.K., doctor—I take that as a promise.
BLACKOUT
END OF EXCERPT
Couple of the Century
Participant in the Downtown Urban Theater Festival ’08, Cherry Lane Theatre, New York
Semi-finalist in the Open Book’s 8th National Readers Playwrighting Competition
Couple of the Century is an expanded, full-length version of my one-act play, The Session, finalist at the Strawberry One-Act Festival World 2005 at the Bernie West Theatre, New York and published in The Distillery.
“...an engaging, amusing, touching tale.”
- White Horse Theater Company, NYC
“…an intriguing play about the dynamics of modern relationships. The structure, moving back through time to the couple’s meeting, is compelling…a funny & accessible play that speaks to the difficulties of connecting with our loved ones.”
- Trinity Repertory Company, Providence
“What with the state of current events, the world needs all the romance and comedy it can get…”
- Penguin Repertory Company, Stony Point, NY
“Fowkes…is developing as a playwright, and this one contains at least 4 scenes that engage, inform, surprise - scenes that allow his actors to probe, seek and find subtleties in their characters. His dialogue is rich and stageworthy. … It’s always a joy to see talented writers stretch and grow.”
- Richard Seff’s NY Theatre Buzz on DCTheatreScene.com (7/14/08)
